An exhausting night, but I find myself unable to sleep after tossing and turning for 2 hours.
I went to bed early. I came home from softball and was exhausted. We were brutally defeated. I can’t help but play back the moments in my mind. Too many miscommunicated plays in the infield. Should I have predicted the bounce that put the ball in my ribs instead of my glove? The time J gunned for the ball but gave up when almost there? Should I have left my base to throw myself infront of the throws that gave the other team an extra bag? Was I positioned too far off my base?
I’ve never been great at sports. But one thing I do have is that I’ve never been terrible at them either.
So it’s 12:30 am and I lay in bed wonder, contemplating, and listening to Regina Spektor.
There’s so many things I’m unsure about. Am I treating myself and my body right? Do I keep pushing people away? Who are my best friends, who do I want to be my best friends, what should the role of a best friend be?
There’s one thing I know for sure. And that’s that I love what I do. My job is incredible, I couldn’t have asked for a better fit. Every day I like what I do, every day I feel brilliant, every day I feel confident. I know that I’ve found something I’m incredibly good at.
The thing that concerns me though is that every day I run the risk of finding out that it will no longer be going on. That’s the joy of working for a start up, especially one currently dependant on investor money. You never know if your job will be there next month. This leaves me with all kinds of calculations in my head. If I had to go on EI, could I still afford my place? Most likely, but it wouldn’t be easy. What worries me most is finding a new career. What I do right now is rather focused. Although I do have many transferrable skills. But will my years at an unsuccessful start up count for much on a resume? A company no one has heard of, no legitimacy, no comparison point. Realilisticly I live in oil town. Not a lot going on in the tech world here. Would I look for a job at an oil company? Would I give in to that huge beaurocratic world? Can I join a work for with regulated working hours?
Whether it is healthy or not, my career feels a lot like my identity right now. If I had no friends or social engagements or the like I would probably work 24/7. I try out balance though.
But what are my personal goals? Family? Marriage? Travel the world? Save the world? Volunteer? Be an athlete? Find love? Be loved?
I heard an interesting comment yesterday: ”Not all the insight in the world will help you accomplish something. You can have the deepest insight possible in to your addictions, but that doesn’t give you the tools to fix your addictions yourself. And that goes for any area of your life. You might have great insight in to what you want to accomplish and why you want to, but that doesn’t mean you know the right steps to get there. The key is in the process, not the insight. Are you on the right path?”
I tend to spend more time focusing on insight than I do on making sure I’m always on the right path. Maybe I don’t need to know what I want out of life. Maybe if I just keep myself on the right path, what is supposed to come to me will?
I’m not sure I’ve always stayed on the right path, but I certainly can’t complain about the deck of cards I’ve been dealt. All in all a lot has been handed to me throughout my life. I suppose a lot has been taken away as well, but I hope the positives outweight the negatives and that I can learn from what is taken away.
Well, enough rambling for one night. i can’t even remember what the original topic of this blow was.